


A Series of Unfortunate Zootopia Fusion Fics

by CodeOne



Category: Ciaphas Cain (WH40K), Discworld, Dragnet (TV), Men in Black (Movies), Multiple others - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, The Librarians (TV 2014), Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Fusion Fics, Short, Suggestions welcome, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-01-31 23:17:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12692226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodeOne/pseuds/CodeOne
Summary: A number of short "fusion fic" type stories. These are just for practice, though if people really like the idea of one or more I may expand them. Most will be about 2000-4000 words at most to start. So far I've got WH40K, specifically Ciaphas Cain, and Dragnet. Will be adding more as the mood strikes me. Suggestions are welcome- these are essentially writing exercises for me, so challenges will likely be accepted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Again, suggestions are very welcome. And if you really want to see more of a particular fic, let me know in the comments. If there are multiple (only two other fandoms besides Zootopia right now, but I'll be adding more) that you're interested in, that's fine, too. Though I'd appreciate it if you prioritize them if at all possible so I can decide where to go next with things.

Zootopia/WH40K (Ciaphas Cain)

 

**It is the 41 st Millenium. For more than a hundred centuries the Lion-Emperor has sat immobile on his Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of Mammalkind by the will of the gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass writhing invisibly with power from the Dark Ages of Technology. He is the Carrion Lord of the Imperium for whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, so that he may never truly die.**

 

**Yet even in his deathless state, the Lion-Emperor continues his eternal vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the daemon-infested miasma of the Woof, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the Astromamicon, the psychic manifestation of the Lion-Emperor's will. Vast armies give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his soldiers are the Adeptus Astailae, the Space Marines, bio-engineered super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the Imperial Guardsmammals and countless planetary defense forces, the ever vigilant Furquisition and the tech-priests of the Adeptus Mecaudicus to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from aliens, heretics, mutants, and worse.**

 

**To be a mammal in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.**

 

 

I sat in my office, drinking a cup of tanna tea, glancing idly over the Verbum Crucis in the latest edition of the local newspaper, _The Lion-Emperor's Will_. To the right, at a much smaller desk, my faithful if obstreperous aide, Gunner Finnick, grumbled as he worked his way through yet another vast pile of paperwork.

"Cheer up, Finnick," I said when his grumbling threatened to reach audible levels. "We could have been posted to the Canis Major system. They're tail-deep in Tyranids, from what I hear."

"At least they'd probably eat the paperwork," said Finnick sourly.

"They eat everything, Finnick," I said, involuntarily shivering as I thought of the ravening hordes. I had last fought- well, run away from- them on the colony world of Cauda Dente.

The door suddenly flew open and both Finnick and I instinctively reached for our weapons- my las-pistol was holstered on my hip, of course, and my chainsword leaned against the desk. In my long and checkered career as a Commissar of the Imperium of Mammalkind, I had learned to expect anything, even on a safe planet like this one. Finnick, of course, had the trusty melta-gun he had "found" a dozen or more years ago. The Machine Spirit of the weapon must have been particularly long-suffering, considering the weapon's age and what it had been through.

I didn't know what to expect when the door flew open, but what met my eyes wasn't it. Standing with her paws behind her back was a bunny. And not just any bunny- rare enough to see in the God-Lion's service- but a bunny wearing a commissar's uniform.

My jaw dropped. "What-"

The bunny snapped a salute. "Commissar Nicholas Wilde?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued. "Commissar Judith Hopps, reporting for duty."

Finnick and I shared a long, surprised look. "Reporting for duty?" I said, somewhat weakly.

A _bunny_ commissar?

The Adeptus Administailatum had a lot to answer for.

"Yes, commissar!" Hopps's eyes gleamed with enthusiasm. "I was assigned to the Furhallan 597th, sir! First assignment out of the Schola Litterium!"

"Really," I said, unable to take my eyes off of her. Where in the holy name of Terra did they find a commissar's uniform that would fit her? "I would never have guessed."

A flicker of uncertainty crossed her eyes, disappearing almost before I recognized it. "This is the 597th, isn't it? Only the signs are all in a Furhallan dialect, and-"

"You're in the right place," I said- which was only true in a sense. I was still trying to imagine a bunny commissar, and even with one in front of me I was having trouble. "I am Nicholas Wilde. But- obviously we already have a commissar." I tapped my chest. "It's me. Right here."

"Yes, commissar," she said crisply. "Yet here I am." She spoke in a more normal tone. "I think it might have something to do with the fact that the 597th is an amalgamated regiment. Someone probably still thinks it's two separate units, so-" she shrugged, "-it needs two commissars."

I leaned back in my seat, studying her. Finnick, still sitting unnoticed in the corner, raised an eyebrow at me sardonically. "Well, welcome to the unit, Hopps." I forced a smile. "I look forward to working with you."

After all, I thought, it could be worse. We could have been assigned to fight the Ork WAAAGH currently ravaging the next sector over or something.

Of course, if I had known what this crazy bunny would be getting me into, I would have gladly charged the whole Ork army with nothing more than my fangs and fancy commissar's cap.

 

__

_Note: First, the bolded section at the beginning is not mine- that's the GW starting bit for virtually every WH40K work they've written, with a few tweaks to change it to a Zootopian universe. So no credit to me for that at all. I included it primarily for the feel of the piece, as well as to set the stage for those who know 40K only slightly or not at all._

_Second, I could have gone a lot of different ways here- made Judy an Arbiter, for example, which is like a super-cop- think Judge Dredd. However, I really liked the idea of a bunny commissar, so that's the direction I went instead. And making Nick a fusion of himself and Ciaphas Cain was just too much fun to pass up. Also, the Cain novels are thus far my favorite (tied with the Tanith First and Only books) and so I wanted to try and imitate Sandy Mitchell's style a bit._

 

 

 

 

Zootopia/Dragnet

 

**This is the city, Zootopia. A place where predators and prey live together in harmony. Founded on the site of an ancient water-hole where evolved mammals first began working out how to live together, it's a place where mammals can be anything they want to be, where the range of choices are near-endless. Most mammals make themselves successful, raise their families, create a home. Other mammals make other kinds of choices, preying on the honest and hard-working. That's where I come in. My name is Hopps. I carry a badge.**

 

**The story you are about to read is true.* The names have been changed to protect the innocent.****

 

It was Thursday, eight oh five AM. The weather was clear but slightly windy, especially in the section of the city near Tundratown. I was assigned to Burglary and Theft, with my partner, Nicholas Wilde. We were finishing up the paperwork on the last case we had worked, a theft from a pharmacy in Little Rodentia.

"You know, Carrots," said Wilde speculatively. "They really need to rethink the penal code."

"Why's that?" I said, distractedly.

"Because we just spent nearly a week running down leads in this case, and for good reason. The theft of nearly six hundred doses of painkillers is a big deal." He sighed and leaned back in his chair. "But they were six hundred _rodent_ sized doses. The total weight and value barely makes it a Class D felony."

"If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing well," I answered. Wilde was a good mammal, but had a tendency to get sidetracked. "Why don't you finish that case report?"

"Because I've already got it done," he said. He tossed me the report.

I caught it and looked at him, surprised. "You're finished already?"

"It wasn't that hard." The fox looked smug. "Crook steals drugs. Officers catch crook with drugs. Crook goes to jail."  
"I think the prosecutor will be looking for a bit more nuance than that," I replied, frowning.

Before he could answer, the door opened. "Hopps, Wilde. See me in my office," said a water buffalo. Chief Bogo, our boss. If he's requesting our presence, it means something's up.

Something big.

Wilde and I traded looks. He grabbed his coat from the chair next to him as I stood up.

"Let's go," I said.

 

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Eight fourteen AM. Wilde and I walked into Bogo's office.

"Have a seat, Hopps, Wilde," said the buffalo.

"What's going on, chief?" I asked.

He handed me a folder. "Case just dropped in our laps. A major burglary, downtown in the business district."

I opened the folder and stared in disbelief. "Someone stole a statue?"

"Not just any statue," said Wilde, looking over my shoulder. "A twenty-five hundred pound statue. Overnight. From the middle of Tails Square."

I shook my head. "This makes no sense. You can't fence something like that."

"Whether it makes sense or not, it happened," said Bogo. "I want you two to go downtown and look into it."

Wilde and I stood up. "Got it, chief," I said. "What about our other cases?"

"This takes priority." He went back to his paperwork as we turned to leave. "Oh, and Hopps?"

I turned around. "Yes, sir?"

"This is probably a big mammal, or maybe a group of them. You two need to be on your toes."

Wilde and I looked at each other. I nodded at the chief and walked out.

 

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Nine twenty five AM. Wilde and I arrived at Tails Square.

"Is it just me," mused Wilde as we got out of the unmarked car, "or do we keep getting the weird cases?"

"It's a job, Nick." I looked around the square. "It's what they pay us for."

"Yeah, but still. I mean, who steals a statue?"

I looked around the square, noting the businesses lined up facing into the middle of the plaza. There was a broad plinth or platform in the middle, with a few bits of marble still sticking up from the middle, looking as if it had been broken off when the statue was taken. I moved closer. "CSI been over this?" I asked, peering at the scattered bits of marble.

Wilde flipped through the case folder. "Yeah, says they didn't find anything. No fibers, no DNA. Nothing."

I shaded my eyes and studied the surrounding businesses. Banks, insurance firms, travel agencies. "What do you notice about these businesses, Nick?"

He looked up and imitated my scan. "They're generally pretty fancy?" He shrugged. "No surprises there. This is a high-dollar area."

"They're all closed at night," I pointed out. "No bars, no restaurants. Nothing that would cause there to be a lot of traffic late at night."

He looked again, more carefully this time. "That's true."

I paused, and then nodded. "Except maybe one."

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Nine-thirty one AM. The business I had noticed was just opening. I walked inside and showed the clerk my badge. "I'm Officer Hopps, and this is my partner Officer Wilde. We're investigating the statue theft. Mind if I ask you a few questions?"

The meerkat, a female, behind the counter blinked. "Um, no, not at all, officer. You're looking into the statue theft."

I nodded as I put away my badge. "That's right. I imagine you're open all night."

The meerkat nodded. "A lot of mammals need to wire money in an emergency, so it only makes sense to be open late."

"So were you working last night?" asked Wilde. He consulted his notebook. "Say, between the hours of eleven PM to five AM?"

"Yeah, actually. I was working in the back office for most of it, though. Slow night, you see."

"Did you hear anything?" I asked. "Voices, strange noises, vehicles?"

The meerkat looked thoughtful. "Well, around two in the morning I did hear a truck engine. I didn't think much of it at the time, because Mouston runs just west of us." She gestured in that direction. "Although it did sound pretty close."

Wilde gave me a significant look. "You said around two?"

"Yeah, about two in the morning. I remember because I was glancing at the clock, seeing how long it was until my break. We only get one break a shift, you know, which is kind of annoying with the long hours we work-"

"Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts," I said, writing the time down in my notebook. "Hear anything else?"

She shrugged. "Something a bit odd, I guess. I'm not sure what it was, exactly. Maybe like someone sawing. I remember thinking it strange at the time, but- well, you hear all kinds of weird things at night. Especially when you're alone."

"Thank you, ma'am." I handed her my card. "If you think of anything else, please give me a call."

"Of course, officer."

Wilde and I walked outside. "Sawing," he said thoughtfully. "That could have been how they removed the statue from the plinth."

"Not likely," I replied. I pointed to the broken bits of marble. "That's not sawn, Nick. That's been broken off."

"You think she's lying?"

"I think she knows something she's not telling us," I replied.

He nodded at me and we got back into the car.

 

 

*The story is not true.

**The names are made up because this is fiction.

 

_Note: Yeah, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with the mystery here. I mostly just wanted to get that Dragnet feel where the characters say something significant to each other before every scene break. And technically, Joe Friday didn't use the "Just the facts, ma'am" line (I swear I remember it, but that's what Snopes says) but I had to use it._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the two I'm starting with. As I said, I'll continue adding to them. Strong possibilities right now are Leverage ("Sometimes, the bad mammals make the best good mammals"); Hawaii Five-Oh (the new one, and that's more of a maybe); The Librarians; and Dresden Files. Again, I can't say this enough, suggestions are very welcome. Whether I write it all depends on how much I know about the characters, so I can't promise anything, but I need some extra challenges to keep me on my toes. So I might take a stab at it even if I don't think the result will be particularly good.


	2. Zootopia/MiB

Zootopia/Men in Black

 

"Mammals in Black"

 

Agent H stood next to Agent B, her superior. "You really think he's up to it?" said the water buffalo skeptically.

They stood watching their new prospective recruit, Nicholas Wilde, staring around him at the lobby. "He conned a Trafaldorian into buying popsicles," said H. "A species that can't digest our food. And can't stand the cold."

"Leading to you having to subdue said Trafaldorian in the middle of Zootopia," reminded B. "It was potentially a major security breach."

"He's got the brains," insisted H. "We can use him."

B stared at the screen, where Wilde was hesitantly poking at the elevator buttons. "Let's see if he can even make it into the building before we jump to conclusions."

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Wilde, having finally figured out the elevator- the buttons were actually touchpads, which seemed needlessly extravagant- walked out into a room so blindingly white that it actually hurt his eyes to look at. He half-closed his eyelids until his eyes adjusted to the light and looked around.

There were four seats, three of which were occupied by serious-looking mammals, all three in uniform.

One wall suddenly opened, and he blinked at the seamless door as a water buffalo walked through. The buffalo gave him a cursory look. "You may call me Agent B, or just B." Nick hesitated. B noticed him and gestured irritably to the empty chair. "Please have a seat, Mr. Wilde."

After he sat, B walked to the center of the room and faced them, paws behind his back. "Welcome. You have all been selected as the best in your respective fields. Army, Air Force, ZPD, and-" he hesitated, looking at Nick, "-so on," he finished. The other three candidates frowned at him. "Over the next few hours, you will undergo a series of tests to determine whether you will be selected for our organization."

Nick raised his paw. B snorted irritably. "Yes, Mr. Wilde?"

"What organization?"

"That will be revealed to you after the tests. Good luck, gentlemammals." With that, B exited the room.

There was a long pause. "So why are we here?" Nick asked the ZPD candidate, a wolf.

"Because we are the best of the best!" said the wolf, snapping to attention.

"Right, but what are we doing here?"

The Army mammal looked at him contemptuously. "You came all the way over here and you don't know why?"

 _Because a little bunny who was so adorably serious it practically hurt asked me to,_ Nick carefully didn't say. "Humor me. What is this place?"

The other mammals hesitated, carefully avoiding eye contact. Nick pointed at them. "I knew it! You guys don't know either."

"It's something top-secret," said the Air Force candidate. "Something important."

"You don't know that," said Nick. "We could be competing for the position of the ZIA's trash collector."

"Why would we need a top-secret security clearance for-" the Army mammal stopped. "Oh. I guess they would."

The door slid open again and a badger wearing a lab coat entered. "The first test is written. You have one hour to finish." The badger handed out papers and pencils to everyone.

Nick glanced over the test. He had to admit, he wasn't much of a scholar. He scratched his head at the first question. "If a train leaves Zootopia at nine o'clock heading due west at ninety miles an hour, and another leaves Bunnyburrow at ten o'clock also heading west at seventy miles an hour, when will the first train overtake the second?" He looked around.

The Air Force candidate was marking down answers almost as fast as he read the questions. The other two mammals were slower, but clearly making progress.

Nick tapped his pencil against his teeth, then slowly wrote in the answer space _I don't care, and I don't think you do either, because you didn't recruit me for whatever this is because of my math skills_.

He then wrote variants of "I don't care and neither do you" in the rest of the answer spaces and sat back, watching the other candidates. They shot surprised glances at him as he leaned back in the chair.

 

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

"Not very motivated, is he?" said B sourly when they got the results back.

"Goal-focused," noted H. "He knows the test is a sham. He just got it over with and wants to move to the next test."

B raised an eyebrow at her, but nodded reluctantly.

 

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

They were led into a large room. In the center, a complex obstacle course was laid out, surrounded on all sides by open space. A simple ribbon barrier, such as could be seen at any art museum, ran around it, enclosing the course.

"The next test is designed to determine your skill, speed, and agility," said B. "Your job is to get to the bell here at the end of the obstacle course, starting from here." He indicated a square at the beginning of the course. "You will be timed." He pointed to the Air Force candidate. "You're up first."

One after another, the candidates jumped, ran, sweated, or crawled through the course. The Air Force mammal stumbled on the agility section of the course, but recovered and rang the bell in less than three minutes. The Army mammal, with contemptuous ease, navigated the sections based on brute strength but moved slower on the jumps. Still, he came in slightly ahead of the Air Force candidate, giving him a triumphant look as he rang the bell. The ZPD mammal, an otter, came in a bit slower than the other two, but quite close in times.

"Mr. Wilde, you're up," said B.

Nick stepped onto the marked circle. Behind him, the lab-coated badger closed the ring in. He looked at the long, twisty course in front of him. "You said I need to get from here to there and ring the bell, right?"

"That's right."

Nonchalantly, Nick ducked under the rope barrier, sauntered around the entire course, and rang the bell.

The water buffalo regarded him impassively. "You were supposed to run the course," he said.

Nick shrugged. "That's not what you said. You said start from there-" he pointed to the painted square, "-get to here, and ring the bell." The other candidates rolled their eyes at him.

B studied him. "Very well. Come with me."

He led them into a room with little a round table, with four seats in it in front of what appeared to be very old computers. Nick looked closely at them. Sure enough, he could see a floppy disk drive in one. That was weird. Why such old equipment when everything else looked so slick and modern?

He followed the rest of the candidates inside and sat down at a computer. B stood to one side. "This is a team exercise designed to test your reaction to an outside-context problem- in this case, alien invasion. You are tasked with coordinating the response to the following scenario. Aliens have landed in each of the major cities of Earth and are demanding the immediate surrender of the planet to their forces. The staff will provide information to you. The computers are installed with programs allowing you to 'command' our forces against the threat. They will also provide some briefing information. You have five minutes to prepare."

Immediately, the three other candidates turned on their computers and started reviewing the briefing material. Nick, after a pause, shrugged and did the same.

He scrolled through page after page describing available forces, mammalpower, logistical readiness, available weaponry- he didn't understand any of it. Bored, he finally found a very short briefing on what was known about the aliens. He read it over with interest.

B glanced at his watch. "Scenario begins- now."

Immediately, the Air Force candidate poked his head up. "I'm coordinating with the Air Forces of the various nations we have contact with. I think we can put together strike packages on most of the enemy locations."

The Army mammal nodded. "Same here with the ground forces. I've also got contact with the navy. Hey, you-" this to the ZPD wolf, "-it looks like law enforcement is on-site in most of the landing locations. Can you get us contact with them?"

Nick leaned back and looked at the badger. "So, question?"

The badger looked at B, who nodded. "Go ahead," said the badger cautiously.

"I don't know how to work this thing real well," said Nick, gesturing at the computer. "So I'm going to tell one of my subordinates to get back into contact with the aliens."

"Subordinates?"

"I'm apparently in charge of the whole world's defenses. I assume someone can pick up a phone and call the aliens. They had to issue their demands, so I know they speak our language."

The badger nodded. "Very well. I will act as the alien representative."

The Air Force mammal nodded at Nick with grudging respect. "Not a bad idea. Distract them while we finish coordinating the response."

"Right," said Nick absently. "So have the aliens answered?"

"Um, yeah," said the badger. He lowered his voice. "Puny Earthling! Why do you contact the great and powerful race of Ogg? Do you offer your surrender?"

"Sure," said Nick. "Right away."

The other three candidates all stopped and stared at him.

"You do?" said the badger, surprised. "But-"

"Yep," said Nick casually, putting his feet up on the table and pillowing his head with his paws. "Can't fight you guys. You want our mineral resources, right?"

"Um, yes," said the badger, doing the alien voice again. "Very well, we will require-"

"Hang on a sec," said Nick. "It's not that easy. You'll have to coordinate with the unions."

"The- the unions?"

"Oh, yeah. Nothing gets done without going through the Ancient and Exalted Guild of Mining Mammals. And as many resources as you want-" Nick gestured to the list of demands on the computer screen, "-well, they'll want over-time."

"But- we'll destroy your cities! One by one! They will work, or else!"

The other candidates glanced at each other and decided to ignore the fox. They bent over their computers, typing furiously.

Nick sighed. "Clearly you've never dealt with the unions before. They don't care if the whole world ends, so long as they get double-time and weekends off."

"But-"  
Holding up a paw, Nick took his feet off the table and leaned forward, fixing the badger with his eye. "There is another option, however." He grinned, a gleam in his eye. "I suggest a deal-"

 

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

"Scenario complete," announced B.

The three uniformed mammals looked up in dismay. "But, sir, we had just finished coordinating our initial strike-"

B sighed. "They would have been annihilated. The aliens crossed dozens of light-years to get here. Do you think our fighters and tanks would have stood a chance against them?"

They all looked at one another, their ears falling in despondency. "So we lost," said the wolf.

"No, you won."

"We- won?"

Nick grinned at them. "Yep. I negotiated a deal with the Ogg. They provide us with materials from the asteroid belt- apparently there's a lot of valuable metal up there- and we process it, refine it, and deliver it to them. Minus a cut, of course."

"A- cut?" said the Air Force officer. "We get paid?"

"Well, some of it goes to overhead, expenses, wages, and so on."

"Some of it?" asked the wolf suspiciously.

"Hey, I don't work for free," said Nick, putting his feet up again. "I figure on clearing about ten million a year, give or take."

The other mammals frowned. "You personally profited from the alien invasion," said the wolf flatly.

"This was supposed to be a team exercise," said the Army candidate snippily.

"Oh, don't worry," Nick said reassuringly. "You guys all will get a hundred thousand or so a year, too."

 

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

"The final test is through here," said B. "If you'll all please follow me."

Nick started to follow the other mammals into the final room, where the badger was standing on a platform holding up what looked like a pen. Before he entered, though, a familiar face appeared. A very serious bunny, wearing dark sunglasses. "Wilde? Come with me."

He frowned and looked back at the rest of the group, gathering around the badger. "But-"

"This way, Wilde." Nick shrugged and followed the bunny into another room, not noticing the flash behind him.

"So is this where you tell me what this is all about?"

The bunny took off her sunglasses and looked up at him. "This is where I offer you a job." She smiled tightly. "Agent W."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was pretty fun to write. Now, I intend to- unless it would be really funny or interesting otherwise- to put my own spin on the universes I use, such as here where I created my own tests for the MiB candidates. This is to avoid the situation where I more or less re-write the script for the testing scene with Zootopian characters replacing the originals. Even if I do follow a plot more closely, I'll be putting my own spin to maintain characterization.
> 
> Bear in mind these are short, one-shot (unless there's interest and/or the mood strikes me) stories- a lot will start in media res, wherever I think will be most interesting or I have a good idea for. Not a whole lot of plot, necessarily. 
> 
> Oh, and I am a big Wilde/Hopps shipper, so whenever it makes sense I'll probably include hints to that effect. Just letting you guys know.


	3. Zootopia/Star Wars

The two guards stepped in front of the cowled figures that approached the Jedi Temple. They were relaxed but alert- Jedi frequently approached with their faces covered, to avoid giving away their movements. "Halt!" ordered one. "Identify yourself, please."

The leading figure, much shorter than the one that followed her, lowered her hood. Two long ears sprang up, revealing her as a rabbit. "Jedi Knight Judith Hopps," she said.

The guards nodded at her. "Greetings, Jedi. Welcome back to the Temple."

Hopps inclined her head in return. "It is good to be back." She gestured to the figure behind her- much taller, though still shorter than the two wolf guards at the door. That figure, head bowed beneath an enveloping hood, started to move forward.

The guards didn't move. "Your pardon, Jedi Knight," said the first wolf apologetically. "But we must identify your companion as well."

The bunny Jedi's expression did not change, but both guards noted a certain tension in the air. They both tightened their grips imperceptibly on their blaster rifles, though the gesture was unconscious. Her lips compressed into a thin line, Hopps turned to the figure who had followed her.

"Lower your hood," she said, her tone gentle.

The other hooded figure hesitated, and though its face could not be seen, both guards saw how it cocked its head questioningly at the Knight.

"You're here with me," said Hopps, her voice still soft. "It's all right."

Slowly, the figure raised its arms, the sleeves of the robe slipping back to reveal red-furred, clawed paws. With one final pause, the hood was thrown back, revealing startlingly green eyes in a fox's face. The fox stared at the two guards defiantly

Both guards snapped their blaster rifles up at the fox. "Get on the ground!" shouted one of the wolves.

There was the snap-hiss of an igniting lightsaber, and both guards instinctively fired.

The blaster bolts struck the ground to either side of the fox, who still held his paws out to his side.

Between the guards and the fox, Hopps stood, her lightsaber still raised in the position it had been in when she deflected the two bolts- held in both paws, slightly above her head, slanted almost horizontally. The glow of the lightsaber reflected strangely in the fox's eyes.

"Stand down," said Hopps, her face calm but her voice icy.

The two guards exchanged looks, stunned. "But-"

"He is with me," said Hopps. "Do you think I would bring him here, unrestrained, if I wasn't taking responsibility for him?"

Slowly, the guards lowered their blasters. "Are you sure, Jedi?"

"Sure she must be, to bring this fox here she has," said a voice. Hopps, the fox, and the two wolves turned to look into the Temple, the guards snapping to attetntion.

A wizened figre slowly made his way towards the door. Hopps immediately bowed her head. "Master Yoda."

The ancient Jedi Master waved away her obeisance. "Returned you have, I see, hm. And with your quarry." The Jedi Master eyed the fox keenly, who met his gaze calmly. "Much anger in this one I feel."

"Master-"

Yoda held up a paw, looking over the fox carefully. "What is your name, young one?"

The fox hesitated, looking toward Hopps. She nodded reassuringly.

The fox looked down at Yoda. "You know my name. Nicholas Wilde."

"This name chosen for you was." The Jedi Master's voice suddenly became very hard, in stark contrast to the avuncular tone of before. "What is the name you chose for yourself?"

There was a long silence. The two guards spread out slightly, paws gripping their blaster rifles, faces set in determination. They had to know that if a fight broke out between the three Force users, they would barely be a speed bump. But they were ready, especially as they saw the spasm of anger cross the fox's face.

Finally, the fox spoke. "Darth Ferox."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Wilde stood silently under the gaze of the Jedi Council. He met their eyes squarely, almost defiantly, his jaw set. Only his ears, which kept laying back against his head, betrayed his nervousness.

His ears, and the Force. "I sense a great deal of fear in him," said Master Bogo, his eyes boring into Wilde. "Fear leads to anger.:

"Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering," finished Hopps. Her eyes flashed as she looked at the buffalo. "He knows, Master." She recollected herself, visibly schooling herself to calm. "He knows better than anyone."

"That's one way to describe falling to the Dark Side," said Bogo dryly. "Yes, Hopps, I suppose he does know. Which is exactly why punishment must be meted out to him."

"He can be redeemed," insisted Hopps. "He has already taken the first path on that road. He saved my life, when all he had to do was let me fall."

"We read your report," said Ki-Adi-Mundi. The rhino grunted. "And your recommendations for Ferox's rehabilitation."

"His name is Wilde," said Hopps, turning to face the Jedi Master. "He's rejected that name."

"Has he?" mused the Master. "Is that not for us to decide, young Jedi?"

Hopps hesitated, before dipping her head in submission. "Yes, Master."

The Council exchanged glances. "We will soon have a discussion, Hopps, regarding your tendency toward defiance. You are young, yet. Your thoughts are noted, but do not be too headstrong. That way leads to the Dark Side."

"I am afraid."

It was Wilde who had spoken, and the Council's scrutiny shifted to him. "Yes," said Yoda quietly. "You are."

"But it is not a fear of what will be done to me," said Wilde, his voice shaking slightly. "I'm afraid of what I've done. Of what I am." He straightened, his voice firming. "I stand ready to accept the judgment of the Council."

"The Sith are masters of manipulation," sadi Bogo. "Crafters of lies. They use words like daggers." He watched Wilde keenly, but there was no reaction to his words. He studied the rest of the Council, until his eyes fell on one in particular. "Master Yoda?"

Yoda stood slowly. "Runs deep, does the corruption of the Dark Side. Vile have your crimes been." He shook his head sadly. "Certain, the verdict is." There was a deep sadness in his eyes as he met the fox's gaze. "Death."

His voice was grave, stern. The same as the voices that followed. "Death," said Bogo.

"Death," said Adi-Mundi.

One by one, the verdicts came. Wilde's breath slowed, his stance became more relaxed. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

In contrast, Hopps grew increasingly agitated with each reiteration of the word. Her gaze snapped back and forth wildly, her breath coming in quick pants. "Wait!" she cried.

"Master Bogo," said Yoda remorselessly. "Take custody of the prisoner, you will."

The water buffalo nodded and stepped forward- only to find his way blocked by Hopps, her ears back, her paw hovering near the lightsaber clipped to her belt. "Master Bogo," she pleaded.

"Step aside, Hopps," said Bogo.

She didn't move. "This isn't right!" she insisted, her voice breaking. "He saved my life!"

"One good deed does not make up for a life of evil, young Hopps,'" said Bogo, his voice firm but not unkind. When Hopps still refused to move, his eyes narrowed. "Step aside, Hopps. That is an order."

She shook her head, setting her feet in resolution. "I won't let you take him."

With an irritated snort, Bogo moved to brush her aside.

Hopps drew her saber in a smooth motion, bringing it up in a guard position. Immediately, lightsabers leapt to the paws of the rest of the Council, including Bogo's.

"Have you gone mad, Hopps?" shouted Bogo. "Stand aside!"

"I will not," said Hopps, gritting her teeth. Her eyes flicked from side to side, seeing the Council- any one of which could easily defeat her in a fight- moving into combat stances. Only Master Yoda was unarmed, his lightsaber still undrawn. "You won't get him except through-"

Her saber snapped off as it shot through the air, yanked by the invisible grip of the Force. She gasped in surprise. It shouldn't have happened- she was ready for such a move from any of the Council-

Then she turned and saw her lightsaber, held in Wilde's upraised paw. "Nick?"

The Jedi Masters blinked in surprise.

"Judy," said the fox. His voice was calm, serene. "We both knew this might happen."

"No!" said Hopps. "You trusted me!"

"I trusted you to do your best, Judy. You've done everything you can." He turned to Master Yoda and inclined his head, holding the lightsaber loose in his upraised paw. The Jedi Master nodded gravely and the saber shot from him to Yoda's paw.

"You can't do this, Nick," said Judy. "You can't-"

"How did we get here, Judy?" He looked at her. She gazed into those green eyes, seeing regret- but also peace. "Because I won't let you fall."

Bogo stepped forward and a massive paw fell on Wilde's shoulder. "You must come with me, Ferox."

"It's Wilde," said the fox tiredly. "Just Wilde."

Bogo nodded slowly. "Wilde, then." And then he did something strange. Instead of leading Nick out of the room, he looked to Yoda.

The old Master slowly stood. With a measured pace, he walked in front of Wilde and met his gaze. "No more fear do I sense in this one," he said quietly.

Hopps blinked.

"He is at peace," said Adi-Mundi. "He is prepared to become one with the Force."

"What do you-" began Hopps, a sudden hope rising in her heart. She stopped as Bogo looked at her.

"You were willing to fight the entire Council to save him," said Bogo. "Why?"

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. "Because he deserves a chance at redemption."

"Do you?" said Bogo to Wilde.

The fox shook his head. "No," he replied.

"And what will you do if you are given one?"

Wilde looked to Hopps. "What I must, Master. I can't make up for what I've done."

"No," agreed Bogo. "But I wonder if you can become more than what you were." He raised his gaze, meeting the eyes of each Jedi Master in turn. Then, he turned to Hopps.

"We're still going to speak about your defiance, Hopps," he warned.

Right now, she didn't care. Bowing her head to hide the smile that was creeping steadily over her face, she put as much humility into her voice as she could. "Yes, Master."

Bogo shook his head, a slight smile on his face. "He'll be your responsibility."

"Yes, Master."

The water buffalo nodded. "Very well." He raised his voice, addressing the room. "Nicholas Wilde, once known as Darth Ferox, is hereby granted a stay of execution, to determine if he has truly repented."

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

"Why?" asked Hopps as she strode alongside Bogo.

The water buffalo looked at her. "He was afraid."

"Yes?" she queried. "Fear is a path to the dark side."

"He was afraid," clarified Bogo, "Until he was sentenced to death."

She blinked. "What?"

"It's not punishment he fears, Hopps. He's made peace with that. He was at peace with himself, at peace with the Force. It was the prospect that he faces now, the necessity to earn his redemption- that's what he fears." Bogo stopped and turned to inspect Hopps, the fading light from outside the tall windows in the hallway casting a shadow over his features. "And fear is still a path to the Dark Side. In his case, back to the Dark Side."

"I see," said Hopps.

The Jedi Master studied her. "You can still say no," he said. "Because if he falls again, there will be no second chance. Your task is to guide him so he doesn't. But if he does-" the buffalo stopped.

Hopps closed her eyes. "Then it will be for me to destroy him."

"You understand," said Bogo, his eyes on hers. "It is no small thing we ask of you, Hopps. You are young yet in the ways of the Force. You can still decline it."

"No," she said decisively. "I won't give up on him." She braced her feet, defiance in her eyes as she looked at her former Master. "You didn't give up on me."

Slowly, he nodded. "Very well, Hopps. May the Force be with you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one that I probably will be expanding at some future date to a full length story. Thanks to Erinnyes01 for suggesting the idea- I think it's got a lot of potential.


	4. Zootopia/Librarians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would take place in the general time-line of the movie, near the beginning- when Judy was getting heartily sick of parking duty. Instead of meeting Nick Wilde, though, she meets him in quite a different context- doing quite a different sort of job...

"And one hundred and twenty five," said Judy, trying to take some satisfaction in the number of parking tickets she had issued. She looked at her ticket-writer and sighed.

"Hey!" said a horse as it hurried up. "I was, like, one minute over!"

"If you have a complaint," said Judy tiredly, "then you can-"

Her radio crackled. "Twenty-seven charlie!"

She looked down unbelievingly. It was the first time she had heard her unit number since she started, other than signing on and off at the beginning and end of shift.

"I can what?" asked the horse, confused at her sudden silence. His eyes narrowed. "I can what?" he repeated.

"Twenty-seven charlie, respond!"

"Wait!" she said, holding up a finger. "You can wait! One sec." She snatched up her radio. "Twenty-seven charlie!"

"Twenty-seven charlie," said Clawhauser urgently. "There's a robbery in progress at the Museum of Fine Art, fourteen forty-seven Tailburn Avenue. We have patrol units on the way, but you're right there-"

Judy's eyes widened. "I'm on it, dispatch!" She turned toward her meter maid car, then shook her head. She could get there faster on foot.

As she broke into a sprint, she didn't hear Clawhauser continuing. "Twenty seven charlie, the chief says you are to observe and report, not take action- repeat, do not take any action-"

Judy dashed around the corner and spotted the museum- she had been really close. She grabbed her radio. "Do we have a description of the suspect?" she asked as she padded closer, her eyes darting around.

"Negative, but the caller said they were stealing some sort of valuable artifact- what do you see, Judy?"

She scanned the building carefully. It looked normal, and part of her wondered if the whole thing was a false alarm. Part of her- she was ashamed to say- wanted it _not_ to be. This might be her chance to get off meter maid duty.

Then she noticed something. There were no mammals coming out of the museum. One or two walked in while she was watching, but none had exited. "Maybe it's got a really interesting exhibit," she said to herself. She glanced up, saw the current main exhibit was a Jackson Polecat collection. She grimaced. "No, that's not it."

Then she spotted a large raccoon shooting out of the museum's doors, veering off to the right and racing down the street away from her.

"Officer Hopps, I have a raccoon, wearing grey pants and a white hoodie, northbound along Tailburn! I am in pursuit!" Excited, she took off, not hearing Clawhauser over the radio,

"Twenty-seven charlie! Wait, the chief said not to get involved-"

As she sprinted past the doors of the museum, a blur briefly entered her peripheral vision before she collided with a red fox. They both went rolling, ending up with the fox on top of her. She found herself staring into surprised green eyes.

"You-" it must be one of the raccoon's accomplices, trying to catch up. "You're under arrest!"

"Sorry, Fluff, but I haven't got time for that," said the fox, springing to his feet. Judy rolled to her feet and looked up to see the fox charging off towards the raccoon.

"Stop!" she shouted. "In the name of the law!"

Neither the fox nor raccoon showed any signs of slowing- which she rather expected; had that ever worked?- so she ran after them again, using her powerful hind legs to throw herself forward.

The fox wasn't running nearly as fast, but the raccoon was even slower. As she caught up with the two, she noticed that the raccoon was slowed by what he was carrying- a massive, snake-headed staff. The fox caught up with the raccoon, and- to her surprise- snagged him neatly by the collar. "Gotcha!" said the fox.

The raccoon immediately spun around, swinging the staff in a wide arc that connected with the fox's head. The fox stumbled backwards, nearly knocking her down again. But this time Judy was ready, and neatly dodged around the stunned vulpine to tackle the raccoon-

Which had recovered his swing and was now bringing the staff around again. Judy desperately rolled, feeling the rush of air as the snakehead of the staff whistled over her. The raccoon swore and backed up, before thrusting the staff at her again. Judy dodged neatly and came up to see the raccoon staring at her, his jaw working and his eyes wide.

"Didn't expect a bunny cop to be the one that got you, huh?" said Judy with satisfaction. She barrelled into the raccoon and knocked him over. She pulled her pawcuffs from their pouch, and slapped them on the raccoon as quickly as she could. "You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You-"

"Not bad, officer," said the fox, drawing her attention. He was standing now, looking just a tiny bit shaken. "But I think we've got bigger problems right now."

"What-" Then she heard the hiss. Like air being let out of a really, really big tire.

It occurred to her that the raccoon hadn't been looking at her with that shocked expression. He had been looking _behind_ her.

She snapped her head around, still with one knee pinning the raccoon to the ground.

An enormous snake, its head uncannily similar to the one on the staff, was curled up not twenty feet behind her, where she would have sworn a car had been parked a moment ago.

The snake raised its head, folding out to reveal itself as a cobra- only one that was probably three feet thick and likely weighed the same as the car she had thought was there a moment ago. That thought flickered through her head, but she'd barely had time to examine it before the snake darted forward at her.

Once again, her Academy-trained reflexes saved her- and the raccoon. She threw herself backwards, yanking the thief along with her, and the snake's fangs threw up sparks as they struck the concrete of the sidewalk.

"Sweet cheese and crackers!" she shouted. She looked at the fox. "Do snakes get that big?"

"On the basis of the available evidence," said the fox, "I'd say yes, they do. Especially magical ones."

"Magic?" She nearly called him crazy, but then realized she was dealing with a giant snake. Crazy seemed fine. "What do you mean, magic?"

The snake moved forward, questingly, head swaying side to side as it undulated towards them. The fox picked up the staff. "Magic. You know, abracadabra and so on. Like this staff-" he held it up, the snakehead pointed at the gigantic cobra. "Don't worry, though," he said, smirking at her. It was a smile that simultaneously annoyed and-

Intrigued her?

The fox stepped between Judy and the cobra, holding it at bay with one end of the staff. " _BeReishit Bara Elohim!"_ he shouted confidently.

The end of the staff glowed redly, as if heated. The snake shied away.

The fox stepped closer, thrusting the staff again. " _BeReishit bara Elohim_!" he yelled again, even more loudly.

This time, the snake simply reared up. Judy gasped as she saw it prepared to strike, and dashed forward, grabbing the fox by the collar and dragging him back just before the snake struck the ground where he had been standing.

The fox struggled out of her grasp. "Stop interfering," he said, annoyance in his tone. "I'm banishing this creature, can't you see that-"

His eyes widened as the snake struck again. Both he and Judy ducked out of the way. The raccoon managed to roll into the relative safety of a nearby alley.

"Whatever you're doing, it's not working!" shouted Judy.

"What?" The fox looked at the snake, then at the staff. "Huh. That was supposed to work."

"It's not!" They both ducked around a car as the snake chased them.

"Okay," said the fox uncertainly. "Plan B, then."

"What's Plan B?" The snake hissed like a steam kettle. A fanged, scaly steam kettle.

"I'll have it figured out in a minute." An abstracted look on his face, the fox tapped the snakehead emblem on the staff. "I really thought that should work."

"Why?" The snake didn't seem to be particularly smart- it apparently couldn't figure out where they had gone. Judy eyed possible escape routes- but the oversized reptile was fast.

"The staff created it," said the fox absently. He tried unscrewing the emblem- or perhaps tightening it. Either way, it didn't budge. "It should be able to banish it."

"Created?"

"It's the Staff of Aaron," said the fox. "You know, from the Bible? He and Moses led the Istailites from the land of Egypt?"

"Um...I didn't really pay much attention to church stuff-"

"Not just church stuff," he said, frowning. "It's history! See, the Furoah's priests challenged Aaron, and threw down their staffs, which turned into snakes. So then Aaron threw down his staff-"

Judy snuck a peek at the snake again, which was watching the car intently. She ducked back immediately. "Is this really the best time for a history lesson?"

The fox ignored her. She took a moment to study him as he went on.

He was wearing light brown corduroy pants, with a black vest over a white, long-sleeved shirt. She noticed a watch chain hanging from a front pocket of his vest, and he wore a rose on his left lapel. A brown neckerchief completed the ensemble. He had a leather pouch of some kind slung over one shoulder. It bobbed against his chest as he gesticulated.

The outfit was- anachronistic. Both in the sense of not belonging to this time, and in not belonging to itself, if that made sense.

"-So then Aaron threw down his staff, and it swallowed the other snakes. You see? When that raccoon thrust the staff at you, he may have let loose the artifact's power. Turned that ugly little car into an ugly gigantic snake."

Judy shook her head. "None of this makes sense."

"Well, magic can be-"

"No, I mean- if Aaron threw down his staff and it ate the other snakes, why would it turn something else into a snake?"

The fox stared at her, then broke into a wide grin. "Why, thank you, Carrots."

"Carrots?" she said, her eyes narrowing. "Yeah, you're not going to want to call me that." The fox didn't seem to hear.  
"I think you just solved the mystery." With that, the fox stepped out from behind the car.

The snake spotted him immediately and reared back, high above the fox's head.

The fox looked up at it and raised the staff. "Hey, ugly. Pick on someone your own size!" With that, he threw down the staff.

Suddenly, there were two gigantic snakes. If anything, the second snake was larger than the first.

Judy, watching with her mouth open, pulled on her ears. "Now there's two of them!"

The fox glanced over his shoulder, still grinning broadly. "Not for long."

Even as he spoke, the first snake lunged at the second. The new cobra snapped forward and suddenly the first snake's head was in its mouth. The first snake's body started lashing back and forth, but it was slowly, inexorably, drawn into the maw of the second snake. Until, with one final flick of its tail, the first snake disappeared.

There was a flash of light and the staff reappeared on the ground. The fox moved over and casually picked it up. He brushed a bit of dust from his shirt sleeve. "Not bad," he said. He looked at the staff. "And you are going to be hidden somewhere nice and safe."

Judy hesitantly picked herself up off the ground, staring at the fox. "What just happened?" she asked, not really expecting an answer. At least not a useful one.

"Magic," said the fox.

"Ah." Well, at least she got the answer she expected- a not very useful one. "And who are you?"

"Me?" said the fox. He smiled and sketched a bow. "Nicholas Piberius Wilde, at your service."

"Piberius?"

"Just call me Nick," said Wilde with a touch of asperity.

"Okay, but- _who_ are you?"

"Oh, you mean- well, that's easy enough." He shouldered the staff and headed toward a nearby doorway. "I'm the Librarian."

Judy blinked. "The librarian- hey!" She just realized, as the fox opened the door he had found, that he was walking away with a valuable piece of museum property. "Where are you-"

The fox shut the door, which flashed with light. She ran up to it and threw the door open. "Stop right-"

She stared. The door opened into an empty room, apparently a shop space that was being renovated, from the paint buckets and tarps strewn around.

Of the fox, there was no sign.

"-there," she finished softly.

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

"I caught the thief," said Judy, as she stood in front of Bogo in his office.

"After disobeying direct orders to take no action," said Bogo angrily. "And if you caught the thief, where is that staff?"

"The fox took it," she said, hesitantly.

"The fox," said Bogo. "The fox who mysteriously disappeared into an empty building with no back door? The fox who you say nearly got eaten by a giant snake?"

"Surely some other mammals saw the snake-"

"A few claimed to have seen it," said Bogo, somewhat grudgingly. "Which must mean there was some sort of hallucinogen in the air. Maybe one of those thieves had some kind of drugs on them."

"I don't think any drugs would cause the same kind of hallucination in every mammal," said Judy, beginning to get a bit annoyed despite herself. "Something weird happened, sir!"

"As weird as a bunny cop?" said Bogo pointedly. He shook his head in disgust. "One week leave, Hopps. Until we're sure whatever caused you to see giant snakes is out of your system."

"Sir-"

"Not negotiable!"

Her ears burning with suppressed anger, Judy nodded and turned to walk out- only to nearly run into Clawhauser.

The cheetah looked down at her. "Hopps! This came for you." He handed her an envelope.

"Out of my office, Hopps!" shouted the chief. Judy quickly took the envelope and scurried out.

As she walked towards the locker room, she frowned at the envelope. It was on thick, expensive-looking paper. She flipped it around to check both sides- nothing, except for the beautifully hand-written "Judith L. Hopps" on the front and the logo of the Zootopian Metropolitan Library on one corner.

Frowning, she opened it.

Inside was a blank card. She turned it over and then blinked as letters seemed to burn themselves across the page. "You have been selected to interview for a prestigious position with the Metropolitan Library," the letters read.

She gawked. "The library?"

 


	5. Zootopia/Discworld

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short piece, mostly just to take a break from another project.
> 
> There's no way I can imitate Terry Pratchett's style completely- the man was unparalleled. But hopefully I caught a bit of him in this piece.

Judy Hopps, one of the newer members of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard, tried to match paces with the much taller mammal she was walking with. She glanced up at Captain Carrot doubtfully. "So you're a bunny?"

"Well, my parents were," said the very clearly not-a-bunny cheerfully. He shook his head slightly, shaking out his mane. "So that makes me one, too."

"Yes," said Judy doubtfully. "I guess."

Certainly bunnies could be pretty variable in size. But Captain Carrot was six foot tall with a rich, flowing mane and sharp, very un-bunnylike teeth. They also tended to glint in the sunlight when he smiled, so brightly she could hear the _ting!_

The two were walking along the river Ankh, with a measured, energy-saving pace. The Ankh traveled slightly slower than they did, with only the occasional greasy bubble demonstrating it was a liquid and not, say, an extraordinarily smelly and naseau-inducing road.

Judy gave the river a worried look. "Is it supposed to bubble like that?" she asked nervously.

Carrot followed her gaze. "Oh, sure. It always does that just before it catches fire for the summer."

"Catches fire," she repeated. She tugged nervously at her armor, noting that, despite two hours of scrubbing it with sand, it still didn't gleam as brightly as Carrot's. "The river catches fire," she said again, as if repetition would make the words make sense.

"That's right," said Carrot. He noticed Judy's worried look. "Oh, don't worry. It's very hygienic."

Somehow Judy didn't think that was quite right. "So what sorts of things are we looking for?" she asked, glancing around the street.

"Anything out of the ordinary," said Carrot. "Mr. Vimes always says that if it's out of the ordinary, it's probably against the law."

Judy nodded seriously and scanned the street. "Wait," she said, grabbing Carrot's uniform leg and pointing. "Look at that! That mammal has a duck on his head."

Carrot glanced incuriously at the mammal she had seen, a jaguar in a ragged clothes with a noble, patrician bearing that was entirely undercut by the duck sitting on his head. "Oh, that's just the Duck Cat."

"The Duck Cat?" said Judy dubiously. The jaguar got closer and she addressed him. "Sir, excuse me."

The jaguar gave her a friendly nod. "Good morning, officer. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Judy looked up at Carrot, who tipped his helmet to the jaguar, then back to the Duck Cat. "Is everything all right?" she asked cautiously.

"Why, certainly," beamed the jaguar. "It's a bright, sunny day, the birds are singing, and the river is-" he hesitated and looked at the Ankh. "Well, the birds are singing, anyway."

"It's just that-" Judy ran the next sentence through in her head. _Do you know you have a duck on your head?_

No.

_I can understand how it might have escaped your attention, but are you aware that you-_

That didn't seem much better.

"Why do you have a duck on your head?" she asked finally.

The jaguar looked puzzled. "What duck?'

Carrot smiled in a friendly fashion. "Never mind, sir. Mind how you go, now." He gently urged Judy along. "That's not what I meant by unusual," he said.

"It isn't?" asked Judy with a sinking heart. "If that's not, then what-"

They heard a shout from up ahead. "I'll cut your throat, you damned fox!"

"That is," said Carrot. He hurried his pace, the crowd parting around him.

Judy managed to stay in his wake. "Someone shouting a threat is unusual," she said. "Right."  
Carrot glanced over his shoulder. "Actually, it's really not. But Cut-Me-Own-Throat Weaselton saying he'll cut someone else's throat?" He broke through the crowd which had gathered around the disturbance. "That's strange."

Judy followed him out. As with any significant disturbance (that is, any disturbance likely to result in death or at least dismemberment), a large crowd of curious citizens had gathered. For once, Cut-Me-Own-Throat Weaselton was not trying to sell them anything, but rather was the focus of the crowd.

The weasel stood, paws on hips, glaring up at a fox who leaned casually against a cart. "This is a sausage-inna-bun spot!" said Weaselton. "You can't sell your frozen juice on my corner!"

"Relax," said the fox. "It's not like I'm taking away your business."

Weaselton hesitated. His objection was based on the premise that, given literally any alternative, mammals would never buy his sausages-inna-bun. With his acute business sense, he realized that saying so in public possibly would have a negative impact on his future sales. "Who are you, anyway?" he demanded. "I've never seen you in this neighborhood."

"Nick Wilde," said the fox. He stuck out a paw. "Pleased to meet you."

Weaselton had decided that, with an Ankh-Morpork crowd, xenophobia was always a good bet. "He's not even from around here!" shouted Weaselton, pointing at the fox. "He's not one of us!"

The crowd murmured. There seemed to be a generalized consensus that, while being foreign was in fact a pretty major strike against Wilde, it didn't quite rise to the level of changing them from "bystanders" to "angry mob".

"Listen," said the fox soothingly. "You can sell your-" he hesitated, "-products over there, and I'll sell my frozen-juice-onna-stick over here."

"Not gonna happen!" snapped Weaselton. His eyes fell on the two watchmammals. "Hey, you!"

Carrot strode forward. "Evening, all. What's all this then?" Judy scampered to keep up with the lion- er, much taller and fangier bunny.

Weaselton pointed an outraged finger at Wilde, who lounged against the frozen juice stand with his paws in his pocket. "He's selling without a permit!" shouted Weaselton. "Arrest him!"

Judy turned to the fox. "Do you have a permit?"

The fox looked affronted. "Of course, officer." He produced a piece of paper. "Signed by the Patrician himself."

The rookie cop looked over the permit carefully. "Seems to be in order."

Captain Carrot nodded, then looked at Weaselton. "Quite so. Say, Weaselton, do you have a permit?"

There was a pregnant pause, which gave birth to a uncomfortable one. "Er," said Weaselton.

"Because I was just reading over the permit register and I don't remember seeing your name on it." Carrot put a companionable paw on the weasel's shoulder. "Why don't I walk over there and help you fill it out? The fee is very reasonable." He smiled. _Ting!_

"I, uh," Weaselton shuffled back, out of the lion's grasp. "That is to say-"

"And I don't remember seeing your name on the tax rolls, either," continued Carrot with remorseless cheer. "Fortunately, the tax office is right across the street, so we can kill two birds with one stone!"

Weaselton went pale, and then smiled broadly if a bit shakily. "On second thought, Captain, maybe I'll just-"

Judy blinked. "Where'd he go?"

"Off to fill out those tax forms, I imagine," said Wilde. She turned to him in surprise. The fox looked up at Carrot. "I appreciate the help, officer. Don't know what I'd have done without you-"

"As it happens," said Judy slowly. "I don't remember seeing your name on the permit register either."

Wilde's smile froze. "Um. Fancy that. Well, you can't remember everything-"

"Actually, I do," said Judy. "May I see that permit again?"

Wilde tried to snatch the permit away, but the bunny moved faster. She read it over carefully. "Hm. Seems to be in order."

"Well, in that case-" said Wilde, starting to pick up his cart to move it.

"Except you misspelled 'Vetinari'." Judy pointed to the signature.

"Veti-who?" asked Wilde, almost in a whisper.

"The Patrician. The ruler of the city."

"Oh," said the fox faintly. "I wondered who that was when I made that permit- I mean, had it made out to me."

"Uh-huh." Carrot's massive paw landed on the fox's shoulder. "I think perhaps you should come with us, Mr. Wilde."

 


End file.
